09.22.2004 - 3:18 pm
I'm currently reading I Don't Know How She Does It: The Life of Kate Reddy Working Mother. And I've been listening to the soundtrack to Garden State for two days straight. Back to the book, it's stiring up all sorts of emotions. First, this author totally understands the insanity that runs through a working mother's head, the battle between being a responsible career woman (am I even on a career path, I am, but not my choice), a mom, a wife, an INDIVIDUAL! The frustration of the child clinging, the boss being inflexible, the husband forgetting, the friends lecturing. ... Now, I'm no Kate Reddy, I don't sacrifice myself or my relationships to the extent that she does. I will never let my job get in the way of my life. I learned that lesson a long time ago when I was still single. (Bonus points for Violet) I long for quitting my job and this rat race. I was happy being a team leader. Then all of a sudden my job title changes by 3 grades and I get all this respect (which is bullshit, I don't know any more now than I did then, I just hav a shitload more responsibility) and responsibility (next year I get my own cost center, and 6 people reporting to me, and -insert evil laughter here-I get to tell people NO! Not Ever!! Dream on shithead (ok I don't use shithead)) And what do I want? I want to be alone for a week. I've been home sick on doctor's orders since Monday. Yet I've been working from home to meet a Monday deadline that isn't going to be met now because the vendor keeps fucking up. But is this relaxing, no. Is this how I pictured my life, somewhat. And by that I mean I wish I didn't have the super stressful job. All I can do is tell myself how it's only getting better. The goals Nick and I set out to get me at a stay-at-home status are getting closer and closer. I can almost taste it.
But I want more.
Is that so wrong? Why the hell can't I have it all? Why the fuck not?! I'm realistic enough to say that no one has the ideal life. Everyone has their traumas and ghosts. I don't want the Pottery Barn, Gap Kids, picture perfect life. Christ, the thought of it makes me gag. I just wish it were all a little bit easier.
Or maybe that actually means, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. Let go of stuff. Trust that the universe will take care of me.
For me my friends...that is like trying to nail jello to a tree.
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