Purge, feel like a binge

03.02.2004 - 2:32 pm

My goodness I am almost asleep at my desk. I need to go take a walk in the glorious sun or something. Shortly, I have to go pump in the other building, so I will get outside. My boss is at a three-day offsite, not that itís different than any other day for me. Just slightly more quiet to get a chance to get stuff done. Iím in a slow period, and itís almost driving me crazy. I donít like too much downtime at work. A few days I can handle, not a few weeks. And there is only so much audit and data review a person can do before (go to beginning) fall asleep at their desks.

Munch did something the other night that has really disturbed me. Not her doing it, but the sightÖ Oh, Iíll just explain. We were at the dinner table. Nick and I had a nice comfort-foody kind of meal that we shared with her; Field Roast, spinach and mashed potatoes (although she got cubes of potato, not mashed). She liked the roast and the potatoes, not keen on the spinach. She had an apple slice for dessert. And before this meal began she had some milk. So her tummy was pretty filled up for the night. After the meal we were talking and joking and laughing. She does this really cute thing where she opens he mouth and hums/groans and moves her fist back and forth, creating quite the audio effect. So sheís doing this. Then decides to suck on her fingers, no biggie. Then she starts shoving her fingers in as far as they would go. I told her to stop, that what she was doing couldnít feel too good, and Mommie should know. She didnít stop (of course) and kept shoving. A few seconds later she removed her hand because she threw up a bit. I was horrified, my daughter just purged. I took her out of the high chair and got her ready for bed before some Sesame Street.

Now, I *know* that she didnít intentionally purge. I know she is only exploring her surroundings and learning, blah blah blah. It was surreal for me. Awful to see my daughter purge, when I wish and pray SO badly that she doesnít have body image issues. And I sit her and think about the family she has been born into and wonder how could she not have eating and body issues? How do I avoid this life lesson with her? It also scares me because itís not really my decision to make. I can encourage her and do all the ďrightĒ things around food and emotionally eating, but ultimately, if she learns to cope with food by watching Mommie & Daddy, well then, weíll talk about it in therapy in years to come.

Iíve got the munchies. Today Iíve had oatmeal with walnuts & brown sugar, bag of pretzels, risotto with shrimp, a yogurt and a few pieces of chocolate. And I just want to EAT! I wonder whatís going on underneath of that, has to be somethingÖ.

last - next