04.18.2003 - 9:10 am
Still here, still pregnant. I didn't sleep well last night, a combination of many things, so I'm a bit cranky right now. Maybe I'll go back to bed after having watched TV for awhile.
I've been thinking about the whole weight gain pregnancy thing this week. I have touched on it in the past. I did not have the pregnancy body-morph experience I was expecting when I was early on. I've gained about 40 pounds, which is typical. I thought I had one of those body types that would balloon and gain everywhere. And here I am 9 months pregnant and it's all in my belly and boobs. I was at yoga last night and the other women were saying how good I looked (aside from tired) and many said they wish they look as good as me when they're 40 weeks pregnant. I don't say that to gloat (or maybe I do), I feel weird mentioning it given my general dislike and disgust for my body. Yet, I am rather proud-peacock about it. So is Nick, he's told me he's amazed at how in shape I am for this stage. Well, I just hope all the yoga and walking will ease my delivery. I am going to keep up with the yoga afterwards, I've come to enjoy how relaxing it is for me.
So this has been a learning experience body-wise. For about the 1st half of my pregnancy I avoided seeing the actual number that the scale showed. This has been one of my coping strategies through my ED recovery. I even asked my OB to not show me my chart when she reviews my progress. She forgot pretty early on, so I see the number and progression each time I'm on the table. I've even gotten to the point that I weigh myself when I go into the office and tell the nurse so she can put it in my chart (for the last 8 years I always got on the scale backwards and told the person I didn't want to know the number). So that is progress. And I'll admit, this last visit I had gained 3 pounds from the week before and I was SO tempted to lie to her. It kind of bothered me that I was allowing myself to get so wrapped up that I was even considering the lie. I didn't lie. I told the truth.
I have not used this pregnancy as a free-for-all to eat whatever I want. A co-worker kept saying how cool it must be to eat whatever, whenever. That if she was pregnant she'd be eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's every night. Well, OK, that wouldn't be smart. I eat well balanced meals (mostly). I have indulged in more desserts than I would have otherwise, especially ice cream. Still, I've been telling myself it's OK now, and once the baby's here I'll have to reign myself in again. A vacation from eating-disorder-reminders? Maybe. And what I have been thinking about this week is I shouldn't approach it like that. That I should use this pregnancy as a learning experience about my relationship with food and my body. To take the good feelings and attitudes and carry them forward, not to fall back into old patterns. Isn't 9 months enough time to break through the bad and start the good? I'll guess I'll be checking in with myself on that in the future. For now, I'm enjoying this new mental freedom.
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