03.04.2003 - 5:59 am
It's been a pretty emotionally charged few days. Nick and I had two intense discussions this past weekend about where we are and where we are headed. I cried more about a lot of things. I'm also scared about the future right now. I'm pretty much resolved that I'll be going back to work after maternity leave, so now I have to go find some daycare. One of my co-workers is leaving, maybe her provider is willing to take an infant.
But going back to work isn't my worry or drama for the day. My worry is about Nick. He keeps telling me that he needs to be strong for both of us while I'm pregnant, and I just don't believe that. I may not have all my resources right now, but I'm dependable too.
I was having one of those days yesterday, the Why Me? day. My past is littered with sadness and depression and hurt...and when something started to go right for me, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Then I met Nick and so much of that went away. I was feeling and experiencing life through whole new eyes. Granted, I'm not saying I'm delusional, and I very aware that we have hit road bumps along the way. Those have been (very) few and far between from the happiness we have together. Now I feel like the other shoe has dropped. Nick keeps telling me that everything happens for a reason, and things will be OK. I just don't have much faith in that right now, because that shoe has dropped and I don't know where to begin to make it better.
Today I'm 33 weeks pregnant.
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