01.04.2003 - 2:26 pm

Taking a break from organizing my office. I've spent the last hour going through four piles on the floor and six drawers in my desk. Next up is the beads, then the closet. Not quite at the point of feeling that I've made progress...but close.

While cleaning, I've been listening to Natalie Merchant's Ophelia. This is a great album! It also reminds me of my ex. The guy I dated before Nick. Shortly after we broke up, we went to see Natalie together. Now, when we did break up, we decided to remain fuck buddies. He didn't think I would be able to handle it (you know, being a girl and all...) The funny thing is, HE was the one that couldn't handle it. After about a month of continuing to fuck, he said he couldn't see me anymore. Still under the belief that I wouldn't be able to see others...but he did mention that since we broke off the dating and still were having sex, he would meet women he was attracted to but couldn't do anything about it. He said he felt guilty because of me.

Little did he know, I had already been with another guy (sexually...that was a night to remember!) and another date. I didn't share this with him, I didn't really think it mattered. Maybe I should have, in the spirit of honesty, but I didn't and it's the past so that is that.

Why do men think all women are these emotionally dependent creatures that cannot handle anything outside of the status quo? I know of a few people that dabble casually or seriously outside of their primary relationships. Nick and I talk about it, I don't know when it will happen, but I'm pretty sure it will at some point. I think it's rather conceited of this ex to think I wouldn't be able to move on. That, or he had so little knowledge or belief in who I was.

I suppose I'm still surprised that I can be Ms. Strong & Independent and that stills throws men and women off. Why can't I or any of my girlfriends be the kind of people that go after what they want? And achieve it? I hope that sometime in my daughter's lifetime these stereotypes of women begin to fade. I want to teach her to do and have what she wants, that no one...teacher, boyfriend, girlfriend, or me...can take away her dreams. Somehow I learned that lesson, so it must be in her future too.

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