death & guilt

12.18.2002 - 9:04 am

My grandfather passed away this morning. He's been ill for quite some time. Last week the doctor's were considering surgery to aputate his leg, he had a wound for the longest time that wasn't healing because of his blood. By Saturday the doctor's decided he wouldn't make it out of surgery, so they wouldn't do it. He came to my mom's house with hospice care. All my aunts & uncles came to NJ to be there. I talked to my brother yesterday and got an update and I was going to call grandpa today. He's been in a comatose state since he came home from the hospital, but he could hear. I wanted to say good-bye and I didn't. So I'm having some of that living-guilt or whatever it is.

When Nick and I were back in October for our wedding party my mom threw, we heard a lot from my grandfather about his regrets and the plans he wanted for him and my grandmother when they retired (that went unfulfilled). My cousin's fiance and I were sitting right next to him, both of us crying heavily. Grandpa asked if I would come and see him on Sunday before we left. I didn't go. I always felt guilty about that too.

It's not like we were really close. If anything, I was the grandchild that would always challenge him on his beliefs (very strict Irish Catholic, a bit prejudiced too). But as my mom pointed out this morning, there were a lot of good times like when I was really young and Grandpa took me into the basement of their Queens apartment to play golf.

There's to be a memorial service next month for him. I won't be going back East, nor am I expected to do so. My Mom will be here on Wednesday for Christmas for a few days, she leaves the 30th so she can spend New Year's Eve with her boyfriend.

So I'm home now, planning on getting into bed and sleep or watch bad TV movies.

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