idle hands

11.12.2002 - 11:45 am

Home sick for the last day. As crazy as I am having been in this house for 6 days, it's for the best that I didn't go in the office today. Tomorrow I'll only be there part of the day because we have our next OB appointment. This will be routine, nothing exciting about it, it's the next one in early December that we have the first ultrasound. I'm so excited!! It's a week before my birthday, so that will be a nice present. Hopefully baby will cooperate and let us know if she's a girl or a boy (sense any prejudices there?)

I think I felt the baby the other night. It felt like my heart fluttered, but it was lower, like in my abdomen region that fluttered. Although I'm not sure, it could have been gas.


I fell bad about a comment I made on Nick's journal last night. He was relaying another fantasy of his and made a comment about fantasy becoming reality. OK, I didn't comment, I slammed him. It's been nearly two years we have been together and I haven't seen him fulfill a fantasy (like he writes about in his journal) yet.

We had a talk last night, I cried a lot. One of our/his biggest frustrations is that I live in my head, not much comes out into other people's worlds unless I'm prompted or feel like sharing. So I told him that I feel like he may have deluded himself as to some aspects about who I am. Created some beliefs, or hopes of beliefs, that really won't ever come true. Like, I'm a homebody. OK, I don't like to go out a lot on the weekends like I used to, I like to hang out with friends or do something at home or go to a movie. Sure, once in a while I like to get all gussied up and go out on the town, but it doesn't happen very often anymore. I feel like this is one of the things he may have convinced himself otherwise before we got married.

Then I had these horrid thoughts that we shouldn't have gotten married. And here I am, married, pregnant and in doubt.

I'm chalking it up to normal insecurities taking control of my mind. I really don't feel that way. I really do love him and want to be with him. I just had a moment of being unsure. It's normal. Right?

So I think we are OK. We didn't go to bed mad, we never have (and I want to keep it that way for the future), it will all be OK. I'm having a moment.

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