09.22.2002 - 7:18 pm

In brief synopsis...

Approaching my 11 week mark, I'm feeling fine during the day. But once 5/6pm rolls around, I feel like the living dead. Right now I feel like I'm going to hurl. Probably won't, because that's not how my morning sickness has been, but still feel like it.

I had some thoughts about becoming a parent and fears of doing the same shit my parents did that will land my kids in therapy. OK, first of all, I feel that no matter what Nick and I do as parents, our kids will be in therapy in their lives and I'm OK with that. I just don't want to make the same mistakes my parents did. Like, not being there for me when it is important to me (like the choir and violin recitals, the art shows, and other events I cannot think of right now) and not when it's important to them (the report cards, the parent-teacher conferences, the debate team matches, etc etc). I think one of the important things for me to do as a parent is to honor my child's decisions on how they want to live their lives and what they want to study (math vs. music for instance...grr) Nick and I talk about how we would like to see our child, but for all I know she/he will turn into exactly what I wouldn't choose for them. And that's OK. It's more important for me that my children pursue their dreams. Even if it means they'll end up a starving musican living in a hole in the Village (that was my threat growing up)...sigh, it feels so overwhelming right now.

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I want to just turn off my brain. So I think I'll go waste some time watching the Emmy Awards.

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