09.19.2002 - 6:20 am

Nick doesn't hide his (shameless) flirting from me, nor does he deny his desires for others. We talked about this when we were dating. Nick wants to have a lover at some point in our relationship. I believe I can support him in that (of course, it means I could have one too) just not right now. I've said this before...we had such a whirlwind courtship, engagement and marriage within 18 months of meeting each other. I've told him that I need time to build a level of trust and security to give my permission in other pursuits.

It's a public journal! He's never hidden the journal from me. And although at times I choose not to read his fantasy entries, I read everything else. I know that he finds Dot, Nia, Ophelia and some other friends of ours truly sexy and attractive. It doesn't stop him from loving me. Nor does it hinder him getting out of bed (after it's all nice and warm and cozy) and putting the cat outside, getting me a glass of Silk, and massaging my back because all I can do is wimper in pain. I know he loves me, I don't always understand the depth of his love, I like to hope I see more and more of that everyday.

I feel kind of annoyed that I'm justifying my husband's actions, or my knowledge of them. Who the fuck cares what other people think. Perhaps it's just the idea of judgment. I have always despised being judged for something or being someone when people don't have the whole picture. I've dealt with this my whole life...during my overweight phase, during my bulimic phase, during my goth era, or my tattoos and piercings, or numerous other crap that I'm proud about conquering or honoring in my life.

I guess I was foolish enough to think it would get better as I got older.

last - next