08.25.2002 - 8:23 pm

I'm so tired, and so ill. I'm still not throwing up, but my OB says that will start in a week or two. She's really funny, we met her for our first appointment on Friday. She knows I used to be bulimic, she doesn't know I'm afraid of throwing up. Does that seem weird? For years I forced fingers down my throat to rid my body of evil calories. I don't often get ill where throwing up is a part of that. Now, I'm at a point in my life where it's considered natural (?) to vomit...and I'm scared. Not scared that I'll start throwing up again, I don't think I could ever go back there, too much sludge under the bridge... What I'm afraid of is that awful feeling, the wretching and red eyes and coughing. The incredible dehydration that follows. Well sure, I'm not saying anything new here, most sane people don't enjoy throwing up. It's more of the memories and issues and arguments and evilness that consumed my life at that time. Now when I should be so happy and joyous, is this the time to be revisiting parental issues (isn't that ironic) or the self hatred...no loathing. Isn't that weird? Where I am today I can hardly imagine that I hated myself so much to try and kill myself so slowly. Tried rejecting my own body. I remember talking about that in therapy once, that my heart knew what I was doing was wrong, but my brain overruled. Or was it the other way around? I don't remember anymore.

Earlier this summer I ran into my therapist at a fair in Seattle. I was working a booth for my friend's art, and MSW came by the booth. I totally blanked on her name until she walked away, but I knew her. She didn't recognize me at first. She hadn't seen me in about a year. She asked how I was, I told her I had gotten married two weeks prior. Yes, to the man I had just started dating when we wrapped up our work together. She wished me well, I did the same. I think of her every once in awhile, wondering if I need to see someone again. Individually, Nick and I keep talking about going in to couples counselling. Maybe what I'm looking for is an Impending Mothers Group to talk about fears and desires. (Thinking rather self-help-y...I bet there's an Impending Mothers Group for former Eating Disordered Women out there...I just need to find it)

I'm rambling. I'm tired. My body craves sleep. I was "supposed" to go in to the office this weekend. I didn't. I just couldn't go. I've worked so many long hours this month on this stupid project, I was totally and completely burned out on Friday. I came in to the office late, and left early. I just couldn't do it. There will be plenty of time this week to get all that crap done. It's weird, it's like my body just took over and overrode my need to go in and work. My body knew what was best for me and I listened. I think I need to listen to my body a lot more over the next few months.

Nick made us an incredible dinner tonight...homemade lasagne, pepper & tomato salad and mushrooms sauteed in garlic. Too bad Baby doesn't like garlic right now. But the lasange was good. I started crying because he made dinner, and set the table, including candles. I felt so loved and so cared for. I'm not used to relying on others when I feel like crap. I'm the kind of person that likes to be alone when I'm sick. But this is different. This is our child, and I need to accept the help around me. If I'm going to remain sane in this pregnancy, I need to let others support and care for me.

And now, I'm going to go get ready for bed and watch Sex in the City. Then maybe read for a bit, then go off to slumber land.

It's been a good weekend.

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