freakin' out!

08.15.2002 - 7:20 pm

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I can hardly believe it's Thursday. What a week! Monday was a whirlwind, followed by my brother's first fully seafood meal. Tuesday I peed on a stick and went to the Mariner's game. Wednesday was dinner with a friend and early to bed. Today, flew by, got a chance to work out (watching my heart rate the whole time) and some quick chats with Nick. He's not feeling 100% today, I wish I could take the pain away.

And I'm still FREAKED! I don't like that I'm saying this, but I'm not sure that I'm ready to be a mom. I'm scared. I'm afraid I'll be alone (or a single parent). I don't want to gain a lot of pregnancy weight (never thought about the consequences of "pregnancy" and "former bulimic"). I don't want to let Nick down. I don't want to let my child down. This is fucking for real! (I think I should start a pregnancy journal, probably not through diaryland, but my own site that my family will read) Friends have told me that as hard as children can be, there is nothing quite so amazing. I guess I just have to trust that for now.

Every day since I've met Nick I've become more and more responsible. Not saying that it's a bad thing, I kinda feel like I'm way out of my comfort zone. I've got stretch marks from the growth I've gone through in the last year.

I feel scared, I want to be alone, I want to hide...old coping mechanisms are SO easy to fall back into aren't they?

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