don't leave

07.31.2002 - 8:08 pm

I'm sick. I feel like crap, I just want to be in bed. So why am I updating my journal you're thinking...because I had to get this out of my head.

Nick is in Atlanta. He left early this morning and returns tomorrow evening. Not much of a business trip, but he's gone. I was working from home this morning, which gives me more time to be in my head while working because there aren't any interruptions. So anyway, I'm sitting here auditing crap and I realize how I basically freaked when Nick left this morning. I have this little stone that says "Goddess" on it and I always make Nick take it with him on business trips. He almost forgot it today. It was hard to say good-bye (did I say that already)? So I'm sitting here doing my work and I realize that I HATE it when he leaves town. That's how I feel in my heart. In my head, I'm usually glad for some time alone to be quiet and in my home.

Now, I don't freak out when I leave town. I was in Chicago last week. Separated from Nick for 3 1/2 days. Not one instance of anxiety or loneliness. I've taken other trips without him and always have been calm and glad to have a few days away.

So what makes him being away any different?

He's not coming home.

That's what my neurotic brain says anyway. I know I have abandonment and rejection issues. I know this! I've spent countless hours and lots of money in therapy coming to grips with that.

Here I sit, a new wife, my first "serious" relationship, I'm happy...and I'm waiting for the nuclear explosion that is going to obliterate my world.

I don't think it's going to happen with a few days of him being on a business, or a pleasure one for that matter!

I'm glad I figured that one out! Now, off to bed for some much needed sleep!

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