07.13.2002 - 2:23 pm

Nick and I are having a weekend in our house, getting stuff done, we spent about 2 hours this morning in the yard. You know, I don't mind weeding weeds but we have all these baby pine trees that need to come up and they are a bitch to get out! Tomorrow I hope to work more in my herb garden. I'm quite excited about it.

I got an email from my mom this morning. My grandfather isn't doing well. He and my grandmother live with my mom. This puts a lot of stress on her, and she doesn't let it out, and makes really weird and irritating comments to her children. My brother is out here next month to take the first two tests for the Seattle Fire Dept (I'm SO excited for him) and she's all stressed out about it because her baby will move away from home. I think there is a difference between your baby moving away so he can live his own life, and mourning the loss of a child that will do anything you say for fear of guilt. Maybe that was a little harsh, but my mom will call my brother almost daily about chores he needs to do when he comes home for the weekend (assuming that he IS coming home). I feel for my brother often, he was in NJ when my parents were splitting up and I wasn't. He was caught in the middle of some ugly comments/manipulations/guilt all because he lived 2 hours away from both of them. I got to be in Seattle and listen to him moan on the phone. Anyway, back to this email, so she is complaining about having to take care of her parents and bemoans that she cannot spend more time with her boyfriend. HELLO! Whose choice is that?! OK, I understand that my grandfather is sick and she's doing a lot to make his life more comfortable and that's great. My brother and I keep reminding her that she has a life too, and if she wants to spend time with her boyfriend in order to be whole, she needs to do that. We bought her a day at the spa for her birthday (knowing she need some pampering) and she hasn't used it yet. Everytime it comes up, she tells me she is going "next weekend"...well, next weekend has been happening since March.

I don't know, I think I'm afraid that this will be me in 30 years. I don't want to take care of my parents in their old age. Yes, that's selfish and that's how I feel. Nick feels responsible for his parents, I don't for mine. Granted I don't have children of my own yet, but today I don't expect my children to take care of me in my old age. Visit me at home, yes. Help with arrangements for assisted living, yes. Live with them, no. I think I'm so independent, and my mother is such a leech, that I don't want that to happen with my children. I don't want them to dread the emails and phone calls, I always want our (adult) interactions to be pleasant ones.

I feel like a horrible person. My mom and I aren't close, never have been, never will be. My dad and I aren't close, but we get along and maybe I could live with him.

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In other news, pregnancy. I didn't think I was, I peed on a stick on Thursday, and I thought my period started yesterday, but now I'm not bleeding anymore and no cramps. So maybe I am pregnant, I don't really feel different, no signs other than a messed up period. I'm holding off until Monday to pee on a stick again, then I would be really late.

Our friend D is coming over tonight to shoot some photos of Nick and I. I'm kind of nervous, because some of these photos are meant to be nudes. We may need to work up to that, maybe I'll only go topless tonight.

I think I'm going to go veg out for awhile. I was contemplating a nap, but I think I'd rather read or watch bad tv, or a movie. Maybe straighten up the house a bit. I'm restless, live is complicated when I'm restless.

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