cluster fuck

June 16, 2002 - 4:22 p.m.

I just read my friend Nia's journal and it was really eerie reading what she wrote. I feel like I have been in the same space for 24 hours now. Iím so frustrated that I donít know how to express myself that I could cry. I just want to scream and rant and throw shit (not at someone, just throw it). Iím not angry, I donít know what this feeling is and itís frustrating me. I had spent such a large portion of my life not feeling anything that when I do it's scary at times. Do people really understand that? Do other people "get" it when I say I'm numb, or that I'm feeling something but I cannot put a word on it. To date, it seems I can only identify with other woman that have/had eating disorders in their lives. Maybe that's not even true. I also feel like the words coming out of my head make no sense whatsoever.

Iím pushing Nick away (probably more than Iím actually letting on) and I just donít know what to do.

Sigh.....sometimes it all just sucks!

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