March 31, 2002 - 2:51 p.m.

Hello, I'm Violet and I'm a home owner.

In six weeks I will be legally married.

Yesterday I had my first gown fitting. There is now a part of me that regrets buying a dress off the rack. That it's going to get screwed up and won't be "perfect" (although the seamstress doesn't think so). And at my next fitting it's suggested I bring someone with me to see the dress on me and get their feedback on how it looks and what needs to be done. I don't know who to ask. OK, that's not entirely true. There are a few girlfriends I can think of that I would like there, it's choosing who and asking. I'm scared about this.

I'm toying with the idea of changing my guest list for the wedding. Inviting the friends that I know will be with me for a long time and will want to be there. No one there out of obligation or guilt.

I went and spent a huge amount of money on clothes yesterday. In perspective, not really a huge amount of money, but the most I have bought in one shopping trip in my entire life. Ergo....

Body image.

I'm no longer a size 8. I can just fit in to a size 10. Most of the stuff I bought is a 12. And I'm not happy about it. I hate that I have eating disorder issues. I hate that I put on an article of clothing and hate myself for seeing cellulite sticking to the fabric as opposed to an industry that has forced unique body shapes into even numbers between 0 and whatever. I read an article in the NY Times today about body image, and how designers only cater to those women under the size of 12. And how the population as a whole is growing in the plus size market. The author said something (VERY loosely quoted here) about as the American waistline expands, models get skinnier and skinnier. Did you know the average model size in 1985 was an 8? And now it's a 0 or a 2? And what the fuck is a size 0?!!! That's not a size, that's a non-number. It angers to me to no end to see my girlfriends fret and self-loathe over their weight. When I bought my wedding dress I told Nick, that's it, this is the size I will be when we get married, I'm not about to go kill myself in a gym. Although quite honestly, right now I want to spend the next six weeks working on my arms because I have a sleeveless dress. And I don't think that is unreasonable.

Hi, I'm Violet and I wear a size 12.

I just wish I could figure out how to feel safe and comfortable and natural in my body.

If anyone knows that answer, please share.....

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