March 04, 2002 - 2:21 p.m.

I hate change in friendships. I hate having my own feelings of growing and moving forward and leaving people behind. I have directly ended two friendships in the last 4 years of my life. I have one now that has just about slipped away. And I feel five more at my heels. I keep asking what is wrong with me? What didn't I do as a friend that these 5 are slipping away? And I *know* that friendships morph and change, and that doesn't have to do with me as a person really…it has to do with time and our own individual growth. So what I want to know is why this time I'm so distraught.

For the last two hours I've been thinking about how I may have been isolating from one particular friend. How I didn't call her, or email. But then I thought that I have invited her to my home a few times over the last year that I have moved in with Nick. And for the most part, she has been there every time. Except this last invitation, her response was No Thanks. That really hurt. I know I live far from her, but it's never stopped me from visiting. Then it occurred to me that since I have been with Nick, she has never invited me to her house.

Honestly, of those 5…it's really only this one that's bugging me. One girl moved to another state, another had a child about a month ago, two others are the kinds of friends that I see once in awhile and all is good (although now our meetings are fewer and farther in-between). So really, it's just this one girl. She has meant a lot to me over the years. In fact, my first "real" encounter with her she kicked my ass about dating Butthead and helped open my eyes to the shit that I was putting up with. I would also say she has the strongest personality of all of us. Maybe that bothers me too. I don't know. I don't feel like I’m making any sense. All I know is it really hurts right now.

So I tried to reach out. And we will see how that goes.

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