January 02, 2002 - 6:43 p.m.

I have been off of my anti-d's for 5 1/2 weeks now. I hit rock bottom a few days ago. I'm going back on them. (note to self...CALL THE DOCTOR!!!)

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Granted, I got engaged and that is supposed to be one of the happiest times for a bride-to-be. Right?! You are reading about one of the most commitment-phobic women around. I told some friends this weekend that 1/2 of me wanted to throw up and the other half wanted to call the whole thing off. I'm afraid. I'm scare that I will lose myself. I'm frightened that I will disappoint Nick. On many levels, I'm terrified to tell my true and honest feelings to him. There are two areas I need to still talk to him about, that I should do tonight. I got most of it out there, but the two biggest and scariest are looming in the back of my head and I just need to get rid of them.

In spite of all that, I'm in love and don't want to fuck anything up.

And that's my biggest fear. That I will fuck it all up! Cause if this were to fall apart, I would never get involved with anyone again. That would be it. I'll be old and spinstery (and slutty maybe) and have a few cats roaming around.

all alone.

sometime I believe it's the only way to be.

last - next