December 24, 2001 - 4:40 p.m.

I had fun. And it was weird. I'm still so new to the openly sexual scene. From the beginning...we arrived early. The dance floor was empty. I allowed myself to be a bit nervous. I spied an empty couch in a semi-secluded area. So I told Nick I wanted to go make out. Which we did. And it was a bit thrilling to know that someone may be watching us at that very minute. I think that the DJ was watching us, I think he was flirting with me throughout the night. I stuck to my boundaries for "public" displays of sex...I didn't get naked or take my shirt off. It was still thrilling though.

We danced for awhile. Took a breather. Nick met some couple that were pretty OK looking. I'm still real nervous about being approached by someone at this place. It's a very similiar feeling to being at a singles event. You know what EVERYONE'S purpose is in being there. Now, not everyone there was looking to hook up with another, of this I'm sure. (I think) Regardless, it was weird. Nick ended up dancing with half of the couple he met (the woman) with my permission. One of the ways he is helping me ease into this is to lay ground rules and always asking permission before acting on a whim. He later asked if he could kiss her and I said no. The jealousy did flair. We have discussed exploring others in our sex life after we are monogamous for at least two years. Anyway, Nick danced with this woman again, and I watched. And I thought that maybe it would be OK with me for him to kiss her. A quick kiss, yes, some tongue. But quick. Not like letting them mack on each other for 10 minutes. Even though I had reached those feelings, I still wasn't quite ready to act on them. I later told Nick that next time he should ask me twice. Once to have the initial jealous reaction, the second so I have time to calm down and be rational. I think it was a good night. It was fine and I didn't get entirely too freaked out.

The one aspect of the evening that really bothered me was watching an interaction of three other people. A man topped a woman for a while. Then when they were "finished" he left this first woman and went right into working on the second one. The experiences were totally separate, the woman were not both there for his enjoyment. What bothered me is that he did not take the time to bring the first woman back to earth. Not that I know a lot about playing and scenes and everything else that may go on...but I think I know enough to realize that wasn't cool. The first woman was lying on a couch curled up in the fetal position until she was done being freaked out (I suppose that's how to put it). And it didn't occur to me until today that maybe I should have asked one of the monitors about that. Are there rules about taking care of your partner after playing a scene? Or is it something that a good player should just know. Yes...I am allowing this to touch on my bleeding heart liberal heartstrings....but it really bothered me!

sigh....so Nick and I had good talks about what went on and our reactions to each other. And where to go from there. I told him that I had some fears that I may never get to a place of allowing another into our "bedroom". That scares me because he has been clear that it is something very important to him. I fear I will lose him on that. He assured me that he doesn't believe that. He told me that (1) he thinks I will probably reach the point of inviting someone else into our "bedroom" and (2) even if I don't, the steps I take now by not paying him lip service let him know that I'm trying. And sometimes that's enough (those are my words).

So, I feel resolved and I feel confused. I think it's still about taking it slow and exploring and being real and honest to my feelings. As long as I stay true to what my heart is saying, I think it will all be alright.

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