sadder than i've ever been

December 11, 2001 - 5:37 p.m.

Sitting here at work and still feeling out of sorts. But not like the past few days. I'm feeling "hungry" and want to eat. But I'm not really hungry. So what is it that I need in this moment? I feel like I'm getting some stuff accomplished today which is great. I've been really hard on myself about how I look, so I turn and want to eat?! I've just not been happy in my body, not happy in my clothes...and I'm allowing that to permeate every aspect of my life. And feel and act miserable. I just don't understand the concept of loving one's body. The only time I've ever loved mine is when it's in shape. I give no mercy to flab or softness or expanding waistlines. Everything sets me off as of late. Why was so nervous walking into the Herbfarm....think about it, "9-course meal" and "Former Bulimic". I did not purge any of the food. It was all so good and I was having an absolutely fabulous time (see prior entry)....once we were seated and working on the first course, the ideas of purging left and didn't come back again until I recall the memory of them. I think Nick saw the shift in me, he just didn't know what it was.

I feel like I'm faced with so much right now, and I'm not one to deal well with multi-tasking my life. I prefer to tackle things one at a time. Ergo....I'll deal with Holiday cards after my birthday. I'll deal with plans for Saturday after book club. I'm unhappy at work, I'm getting married next year, starting a family next year, starting my business (for real) next year. None of those are small life events. None of them. So I feel scattered and hopeless and probably why I cry if Nick looks at me sideways. We are both so tense right now. I think feeding off of each other until we are wound tighter than physics would really allow.

Last night it came to Nick saying I need to find another job. He's so tired of hearing me complain and whine and have to tip toe around my stupid fucking boss! I don't blame him really. I think right now I'm just hanging on for 12/31 so I can get my bonus. Which won't be too too small. Hopefully, depending on what the Board decides today. I just want to quit. And I see that in two ways...I quit and get my life on track and work out and organize and strategize and create.... Or, the depressive episodes of staying in bed and crying and watching sad sad movies.


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