September 16, 2001 -

This is a good kind of control. I used to regain control from chaos by forcing myself to throw up. No more pain and destruction to my body. I love myself too much for that anymore. And I have a partner that loves me more than life, and a daughter watching over us until we invite her soul to join my womb (and yes, we WILL be having a girl...)

This week is also the one-year anniversary of my Grandmother's death. I missed a friend's wedding to go to the funeral. I wasn't there to say good-bye, per say...I had been out to visit her recently. I love my Grandmother so incredibly much. She was instrumental in my childhood. With 6 years between my brother and I, I only wish he could have known her as I did.

I told Nick this morning that the anniversary is this week. And I also said that she is in a better place now, better than living with what we are all experiencing right now. She is with my Grandfather, who I never met because he died shortly before I was conceived. But from accounts from my Aunt, I'm sure we would have gotten along famously. I also told Nick that Grandma is watching over us right now, and sending huge amounts of love to us. And that she is probably hanging out with our daughter, her great-granddaughter, and getting to be with her on a spiritual level. Maybe sharing stories of my mischievous self as a child.

I feel some hope today. And deep, deep down inside, intense fear. The next few months, years...could be absolutely horrific. Regardless, we all need to pick up and continue our lives. So here I stand, surrounding myself with love and loved ones. Making us all that much stronger in the process.

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