sadness & desire

September 12, 2001 -

I have a kittie in my lap as I type this. Babs, the shy, fickle one. The cat that only pays attention to you when you serve her purpose. Yet, that's not true either. She loves to crawl under the covers at night and sleep in the crook of my knees. She's the softest and smallest cat (all fur!) I'm now getting kittie kisses :)

Where to even begin. The shock and horror of the last 40 hours. We hardly got any work done yesterday, someone had brought in a TV and we all were shifting through the office it was set up in. Given our companies IT policies, I couldn't hook in to web radio (although finding a site to hook in to was just about impossible). All the major events of the morning I heard on NPR as I drove in to work.

My family is on the East Coast. None in NYC, thank Goddess. My brother called me first, he's in North Jersey. His office was closed, but he didn't leave because all the highways were packed, and he would rather be in the office with friends than in his car all alone. My Dad, working in Bethlehem, PA, left early to return to a hotel room and watch the TV. My Mom, working in Philly, was scared and confused and crying. The mayor of Philadelphia was asking for the evacuation of all high rises, the CEO of my Mom's company had not closed the office yet and she didn't know what to do. I told her to leave, and she cried, so scared she was immobilized. I called a friend in LA to see if she had gone to work and was OK. I refrained from calling my friend in Hawaii knowing she would still be asleep. I had a few friends call me, asking if I had heard from my family and if they were OK.

Up until 2:30pm, all I had witnessed were radio and pictures on the internet. I left to be with Nick, and was at the point of tears watching the media play and replay and replay and replay and replay and replay those horrific crashes. Nick and I spent a lot of time being near each other, it's all I could do at the moment.

I don't want to recount the entire events, we all know what happened. Today I am overcome with sadness.

Today, Nick's divorce was finalized. He's sad, gloomy, looking towards me and I don't know how to support him. He called me this afternoon as he left the courthouse. It was a very brief conversation. I didn't know what to say, how to make it better. In my mind, I thought that when I see him tonight, that's how I can make it better. I'm much better in person than I am on the phone.

He called home about an hour ago. He let me know that he was upset with how things went on the phone that afternoon, that he was hoping for the magic from me to make it all better. I got all choked up, told him I didn't know what to say, how to make it better. That I felt he was not feeling like talking and that I could help and comfort him more when I saw him at home. I apologized, telling him that it was not the message I intented to send. He thanked me for that, and admitted he really didn't know what he wanted.

I love him so much. I had this flash of "I fucked it up" while we were on the phone. I had no idea that I was capable of so much love. Caring. Desire to be married and have babies. To know that I have found my soulmate.

I'm feeling lost and confused in this journal entry at this point, so I shall sign off.

Take care everyone, do what you can to help everyone. And do what you need to to care for yourselves.

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