March 9, 2001 -
I have spent the last two evenings with Nick. On Wednesday, he was a little buzzed. I like how flirty and social and gushing he is when heís a bit drunk. He emotes so much. I feel touched to hear the things he says. Donít get me wrong...he emotes almost as much when heís sober so itís not like what Iím hearing is new. He just repeats and repeats and uses big, creative words to say the same thing again.
Sigh....I am SO fallen for this guy!
Last night I was the one a bit drunk. Dinner with 3 of his friends, and respective babies. The one little girl, Pattie, was SUCH a cutie! Very well behaved and playful. And whenever someone did something exciting she clapped. It was just SO cute. She really liked my nose ring too. Of course, the bright sparkly thing on my face would draw a childís attention. And yes, jewelry is still in one piece and so is my nose. But I digress, I was tipsy. I let on that I have thought of living with Nick, which he found as a bit of a surprise.
And we talked about babies. Itís really the only red flag that weíve found to date. Nick really wants kids. Iím on the fence. I have a lot of fear of ďbecoming my motherĒ syndrome, or fucking up a child as bad - if not worse - than I feel I was. And losing independence. And I think a lot of that comes from watching my mom and dad. I donít really remember if mom ever had time to herself or to be with her friends. I donít really remember mom having many friends. And here I am with a bounty of incredible goddesses/divas/queens/pixies around me...and I never want to lose them. And I wonít :-) I trust that. I also truly believe Nick will be very involved in a childís life. I also can imagine the two of us fighting for time with the child.
Nick told me not to worry about this now, that I donít have to make a decision now, that when the time comes we will deal with it then. But itís just SO in the forefront of my mind this week. Maybe itís the whole menstrual thing. Or maybe since Iíve told him I love him, itís cleared my brain for the next relationship debate it will have with itself for a while. Who knows! Today I know Iím leaning more towards the ďYesĒ side of the Child Fence than the ďNoĒ side. And honestly, have felt that way for a while now...not just because I met Pattie who ate Cheerios out of my hand and chomped on bread from my fingers.
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