March 3, 2001 -

It was an incredible weekend. Broke threw some walls, invited new experiences...but first things first.

I told Nick I love him.



I have told him over the past few weeks that Iím falling in love with him. Of course we all know that a bit different. It was so amazing and connected. We were making love yesterday morning and I was so emotional. I felt so connected and so close and so in tune with him. I was crying. He was so comforting and there for me. He kept repeating that I could tell him anything, I can trust him with my feelings and fears, etc. etc. He looked at me and I could see the tenderness in his eyes, I began crying more. And I told him that I love him. That is the absolute highlight of my weekend.


Then thereís everything else. Iíve finally moved into the 21st century and gotten myself a cell phone. One of those Nokiaís that everyone in the world owns. With a hot pink, iridescent face plate. Very sassy! Nick bought himself a wide screen TV heís had his eye on. It looks great in the TV room. We started to watch a vampyre movie yesterday. Gotta love the vampyres! That was the electronics portion of our domestic weekend.

We baked/cooked together. I need to sit myself down and read the manual for those Kitchen Aid monster mixers. It took me about five minutes to figure out the bowl needs to be locked in the Up position for stuff to be mixed. A co-worker got a real kick out of that one.

We had a friend of his over. She is pretty nice, I like her. Very laid back and grounded in herself. Iím sure Iíll be seeing more of her, she and Nick are very close friends. While he was out of the room, she shared with me that she thinks Iím very good for him. She hasnít seen him that happy or relaxed since sheís known him. And to pat myself on the back, she doesnít like his ex. Score points for our relationship!


Sunday was incredibly lazy for me. I spent the morning in bed. After my totally intimate and intense time with Nick. I just regrouped reading People magazine. I finally got up off my butt to announce I was hungry. So Nick made us grilled cheese and Timís chips. Yummy! Total greasy meal with a soda...but my menstrual cravings demanded it. Talked to E. Got some motivation and dressed so we could go play at Toys R Us. Nick bought some toys, we went to the mall.

And the second kicker of the weekend....I bought a bathing suit. My past is littered with the basic black tank suit and a pair of boxers. I hated myself exposing that much skin. I would pick out the tiniest flaw and make it the size of the Rock of Gibraltar (that oneís for you Nia)... My body was never good enough. Growing up by the Jersey Shore, one had to own a bathing suit. Then, smart me, I move to Seattle where itís warm enough for a swim suit 2 days a year. Although the last year itís been harder and harder not to have a suit. Finally coming down to a trip to San Diego this weekend and Eís wedding in Hawaii in June. I just have to do it. Buck up and get the goddamned suit!

After perusing through the Menís Department at the Bon, Nick leads me to Womenís Bathing Suits. I wonder if he really, truly, honestly knew what kind of minefield he was entering. I like those tank-bikiniís. My ideal suit would be swim shorts and a tank top. Sufficiently hiding all my ďbadĒ spots with enough peace to enter the sun in a swimsuit. I picked out a few pieces, wandered more, started to put them back thinking I wasnít up for trying them on. I placed three suits on the rack, paused, and picked them back up again. I went straight for the dressing room and took Nick with me.

I asked him into the room with me. ANOTHER huge milestone. I really donít think thereís a man in the world that knows the gas chamber a dressing room can be for a woman. Maybe if Nick had thought about the Nordstroms experience....but I digress. The first suit I tried on was really cute. The other three werenít flattering at all. I put the first one back on, looked at Nick. He really liked it. Unique and flattering, I think he said that...The whole dressing room thing is a bit of a twilight zone in my head...I do remember asking if my legs looked fat. He thought I looked great. I was critically assessing my cottage cheese thighs. But there was something appealing about the suit. Some little voice at the back of my head saying...not all women are perfect...not all women are airbrushed in real life...all women have slight look fabulous!

And with that I decided yes and got dressed. I didnít even look at the price tag. I knew if I did I could have killed it right there. There are some items you just HAVE to pay full price for, bathing suits are one. Jeans are another. If it looks good, you just gotta go with it.


I am really getting away with myself there. I suppose not writing for three days has that effect when so much goes on. So much growth, change, happiness.

Iím happy. (a tiny bit scared) Mostly happy and SO looking forward to growing and learning more with Nick. My Atlas....

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