March 1, 2001 -

Home from my last (?) appointment with my therapist and my mind is all a buzz. Ignoring the need to pee, and eat, and return phone calls, and open mail...I want to get it all down while it�s still fresh.

I began seeing S two years ago. I went through a soul-searching self-reflection class that rocked my world. A catalyst. I realized I needed to do something different with therapy. At the time, I was seeing a woman I knew how to manipulate. I thought I was the shit, I could rework conversations to avoid dealing with my issues. Can you say, FUCKING DUH!! HOW much money was I wasting on that? I might as well have flushed it down the toilet with the food I was throwing up.

Anyway, I changed. I started working with S who is big on behavior therapy. Asking stuff about how I was feeling when I overate and purged, what had happened that day, what my triggers were. Christ! Leave me alone, I often felt like shouting! To those of you that don�t know, and eating disordered person doesn�t give a shit about feelings. We are either fine or pissed. And no! There�s nothing underneath that thank you very much! Then I began to see what she was talking about. Two years later and I use words like, Direct, I am Hurt, actually talking to (or attempting) my Mother.

And now it�s done. I didn�t want to let go. It�s a nice safety net, having S in my brain and making observations on my dealings with people. I�m stronger now. I�ve thrown up twice since September. Once after my grandmother died, once after something Nick said (which he knows about and I don�t really want to go into here). Twice in 6 months. Rock on!!! There was a time in my life, college, that I was throwing up anywhere from 2-5 times a day. Every day. I really don�t think non-ED people can understand that no matter how much you explain it in different ways.

That part of my life is over. I do not have an eating disorder. I am not my eating disorder. I am Violet Leigh, my own individual Goddess self. No more.

And part of the talk today was about missing E. I just have to say it again. Remark on how much I miss her. How important my girlfriends are to me. I�ve cried every day since Vegas thinking about E and wishing she were back in Seattle.

Phew, I think that�s it. I know there were other things I was contemplating in the car. But it�s gone now. I can always right more later if the spirit moves me. I think I need to go pee and start dinner. It�s been a long 2 hours and I need to rejuvenate.

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