February 28, 2001 -

In college, I was One Of The Guys. They would fart in front of me, talk about whose melons were best, asked my advice.... I didn�t really fit in with women. The women I knew in high school, and some in college, were incredibly backstabbing wenches. My trust was shattered and I avoided female connection for a long time.

Then I started therapy when I moved to Seattle. Years and years of battling an eating disorder and I finally realized if I didn�t stop I would die. I would be a statistic. It would be, �Oh poor Vi, no one knew, she was so troubled...� I didn�t want that. I wanted to live. So I got help.

I began to realize that women in general go through solitary battles all their lives. Carrying iron crosses that many would buckle under. Women are incredibly powerful and resourceful creatures. And there is nothing wrong with leaning on each other in a time of need. OK, I know I sound all preachy and wise for a 30-year old...it did take me 5 years of mind bending, fucking intense in-your-face issues crap to realize it.

And now I am surrounded by incredible women friends. And I just spent a weekend with 4 of them and I�m so grateful and emotional about it. And two of the four don�t live here. One is in Cali, the other an �island� girl (Hawaii). I miss E so much! She and I have so much in common. We used to Sunday brunch together every week. And she�s been gone 10 months and I just saw her for four days. Too short. Very intense. All coming to blows as we sobbed our good-byes in the lobby of the Mandalay Bay in Vegas. Granted I will see her in 4 months at her wedding, but still. email & phones can only account for so much.

I digress. Do I even make sense? I�m in this highly emotional, PMS kinda space this week.

Yesterday I was sad and went to Nick�s for the evening. We really didn�t even do anything. I read my book, he worked on a presentation. We did chat a bit, and kissed a lot. Regardless, it was so comforting to have him there. To know his presence was merely inches away. And that he would hold me when I cried (if I did, I don�t think I did last night). I trust that he recognizes how important E is to me and wants to help ease the pain. As do my other girlfriends. Well, my girlfriends and I cry and bitch together about it. Nick holds me, comforts me, reminds me it will be OK and I do still have her in my life. So special. So sweet. So precious he is to me!

Enough, I must go make dinner before my tummy collapses!

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