Guilt & Babies

05.25.2004 - 2:27 pm

If you arenít interest in reading about c-sections or birthing babies, quit reading now.

First, yes, Iím in a shitty mood. Munch has an ear infection in both ears so sheís on anti-biotics and Tylenol. Iím home with her today, quasi-working when she isnít demanding my attention. Iím also irritable for a number of reasons I just donít want to get into right now.

Lately, probably since about a month before Munchís birthday, Iíve been feeling guilty that I didnít try hard enough and gave up too easily during her delivery. I guess I didnít really really know how badly I wanted to deliver vaginally until she was 11 months old. Anyway, maybe it also had to do with a handful of my girlfriends birthing babies without having any problems. I was feeling guilty that I gave in too soon by being induced, that I got my epidural too early, that even after 2 hours of hard labor (after 22 hours of non-hard labor) I should have pushed even more. But I had the c-section. So Iíve been thinking about a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After C-Section) for the second one. If there is a second one.

So last week I had my annual with my Gyn (who is also my OB, but she isnít seeing me for OB stuff now). I asked her about VBAC and her thoughts and my situation. She told me she would need to review my chart again to look at what happened the first time around. And that normally when her patients are 36 weeks, she takes a look at how their pregnancy has been, their current status, and evaluates then if a VBAC would be safe. So then Iím thinking that I wonít even have to worry about making a decision until (1) Iím pregnant again and (2) Iím about reading to pop that baby out.

Then she does my pelvic.

And it turns out that I have a very flat pelvis. Not ideal for birthing babies. My uterus is also situated very high inside of me, which caused a lot of hassle the first time around when trying to determine how dilated I was. So my OB/GYN tells me that based on those two conditions, it may be better for me to just choose a C-section the next time around because a vaginal would be just as difficult, if not more so.

Well, knowing that pretty much erased the guilt Iíve been carrying around about Munchís birth. My body just isnít built for birthing babies. Arenít I fortunate to be living in a time when C-sections are so easy and safe to come by? And fortunate for my baby too. Who is just a doll and I love her to death.

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