tough choices

02.17.2003 - 2:36 pm

I had a lot of time this weekend to reflect on the reality of my life right now. And some tough decisions that I need to make. My best ďcoping mechanismĒ is to not really acknowledge the reality around me and go about living in my little fantasy world.

Reality: Iím 31 weeks pregnant. I have a job that I like, working for a company I donít like. My husband is a consultant, looking for permanent work so he can fulfill my desire to be a stay-at-home mom. The economy sucks. We need to bring down our mortgage ~ our highest expense (duh, like isnít that true for most people).

Emotion: I love my house. Itís my first home. I got married in the front yard. Weíve put a lot of work into it in the last 18 months to make it ours. We are about to bring a baby into this home.

Reality #2: We need to move.

Iíve been denying that for so long. Ever since I met Nick weíve toyed with the idea of moving to a different place, maybe closer to the city, maybe in the city. A few weeks ago he told me that we were going to stay put and not talk about moving for awhile. That he realized Iím in a major transition and doesnít want to make things harder than they already are. We nearly got in a fight the other day because he wants to talk about it again. I was upset for (1) all the reasons I listed above and (2) I felt he was betraying his word. But heís right. We need to move.

I asked if we could wait to address this until he finds out about a potential job in Seattle. That I was going to make my decision about moving on whether or not this job offer comes through. I donít think I can wait that much longer anymore. Sure, itís only going to be another 3 or 4 weeks, for a planner like me thatís more of an eternity.

I talked to Nick about it and we are going to wait until we know about this job offer. It still sucks. And it still makes me cry.

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