former bulimic thoughts

11.13.2002 - 5:08 pm

Idiomatic asked me how being a recovered eating disordered person factors into me being pregnant and the changes my body is going through. She asked a long time ago (or so it feels) and it takes a while for me to get in gear on stuff like this.

So let me first say that our appointment today went very well. The heart beat is 155 (I still think it's a girl) and my abdominal area is growing as expected. And...in THREE WEEKS we have our first ultrasound!!! Can I tell you all how excited I am about that?!

So our OB was going over my chart with me. As in, she shows me the tracking page. Before she started I stopped her, I told her that as a result of my eating disorder, I choose not to know the actual number of my weight. I've been this way for a few years now; I get on the scale backwards at the doctor's office. So she gave me her opinion. She said that she doesn't really care to know my weight either. She's more concerned with my growth and pee-tests and blood work. She said she doesn't care if I didn't gain an ounce, lost or put on weight...she would be concerned if I had a sudden fluctuation, sure I understand that. It was really refreshing to have a doctor not focus on my weight. I've heard that for SO long, and when they know you have had an eating disorder it can be worse because they think they need to watch out for me in case I relapse. Whatever. I think my husband will be the good judge if I ever were to relapse, let alone my friends.

Anyway, back to the question at hand. So far, this pregnancy has been easy on me body-morphing-wise. Probably because I haven't gained a lot of weight outside of the baby. I am really afraid of putting on a lot of weight that won't come off. A co-worker put on 50 pounds when she was pregnant, and she was rather normal sized...just the thought of gaining 50 pounds scares me to paralysis. I already have visions of me working off anything I need to while the baby is sleeping (humor me moms, this isn稚 about being a new mother with no time, this is about a girl that used to be bulimic rationalizing weight loss after a baby). When I first got pregnant, I secretly wished I would have morning sickness so I wouldn稚 gain weight. Another co-worker of mine lost 10 pounds when she was pregnant, and she was too skinny to start with. And her daughter is the chubbiest, cutest, healthiest little thing!

Then I never really had morning sickness. I had the nausea, but not the throwing up. I will admit, there are days I知 probably not getting enough calories. Then there are days I have enough calories for three days, so it should all balance out.

At this point, I知 17 weeks and 2 days pregnant (I had my calculation wrong). And I知 starting to get a belly. Today is the first day I wore maternity clothes to work, which my friends think is just so cute. I have a cute belly. It痴 rather small, and cute. And I知 only 17 weeks and 2 days pregnant.

Yes, I知 worried about how my body is going to change by having this baby. Yes, I知 worried I won稚 ever be the size I was before. Yes, I have huge fears that this could be a trigger for a relapse (having just written that, I can guarantee at least two people that will be aware of any drastic changes in my eating or exercising habits and will call me on that shit). Given how well things have gone to date, I知 not worried today. That could change tomorrow.

I think this will be an interesting topic to revisit and learn from as I continue to move forward in this pregnancy. So stay tuned. Maybe I値l do an update once a month.

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