May 15, 2002 - 5:53 p.m.

I am feeling better today. Yesterday I was a wreck, first day back in the office and a whole lot o' crap happened while I was away. Yearning for my wedding day again for the happiness and joy and fun and formality. I may just wear my gown for the next five days in the house. I'm not ready to get it cleaned and preserved. I'm not ready to take my bouquet apart and dry some flowers off of it. I'm not ready!

I'm also having problems feeling like a "wife". I asked Nick to not say it so much and ease me in to this. I was almost nauseous yesterday when I sent in my name change to IT and HR. I'm doing pretty well at introducing myself with my new name, and I've been telling people that I'm married and co-workers are eager to see my photos. Nick is being so incredible about all this. I knew that this was Commitment, but I didn't know what it would feel like once the morning after arrived.

I'm sad. And I want it all back again. I want my wedding day to be forever (at least today I do).

Two people at work died while I was away and one tried to commit suicide. And PBL had a major asthma attack and was in ICU all weekend (everyone decided it would be better to not call and tell me what was going on...I think a good call). That's the bad news.

I want my wedding back...

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