April 16, 2002 - 6:48 p.m.

I had coffee with Ohio this weekend and I asked her about this friend and if we are OK. Ohio told me that she thinks we are OK, and was a bit worried and wanted to know if I'm OK. We talked about last fall, when "the change" started to happen. I told her that (1) I was miserable in my job and (2) was adjusting to being a couple and finding my identity. (I forgot to tell her I was also going off the Pill and my anti-D's) I also told her that it was Nick saying (rather sternly, in a good way) that he was tired of me whining about work and I needed to look for another job. Well, that was the start of the transformation. Shortly after that I gave myself an attitude adjustment and here I am...not in love with my job, but I don't loathe it anymore.

There's a part of me that hates that she sent the note first. That I should have been the one to say good-bye. I feel like I got the short end of the stick. Kind of like a doormat. And here it is 25 days before my wedding and I'm losing people that I once considered friends. People I had invited to my wedding. People that I won't see anymore. People that I wish HAD been friends to me when they felt something was up instead of hiding their true feelings and putting on a happy face like nothing was wrong.

that last one came from Ohio, that some of "them" had felt I was retreating and not maybe not making the right decisions...well FUCKING say something to me! I don't want friends that don't talk to me about issues. I truly don't!!

So here I sit. I cried through dinner. I got many hugs from Nick, and reassurance, and love. I got an email from Nia today checking in on me. I got one from my friend in LA too...so I'm not alone. I know that in my head and in my heart, but it still fucking sucks! And I still hurt. And I still want to give a piece of my mind.

Maybe my next journal entry will be that letter that is written and never sent.

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