counting the days

February 28, 2002 - 1:36 p.m.

72 days until the wedding. I thought we were doing well, get on my website and BAM! All those little things. I guess I've just been slacking a bit this week about planning. I want to go to the florist on Saturday with Nick. And finalize stuff with the caterer.

I want a week of vacation to get shit done!

Rant of the day: Have you noticed how many people have tattered American flags on their cars? Didn't any of them read the "Proper display and handling of the flag" that just about every newspaper printed after September 11th? When a flag shows signs of wear, they are supposed to be destroyed. So don't you think that by displaying a worn and tattered flag that someone is being anti-American? I don't know, maybe it's just me. Of course, there was that truck in Florida we saw with a full size American flag on one side of his truck, and a full size Confederate flag on the other side. Doesn't he (or any of the others out there) realize the Civil War ended a LONG LONG time ago?! Come on! It's not going to happen people, let go of your hang-ups…give in to the Force….give up the Dark Side.

I digress.

I am chatting with a fellow right now. With intentions of he and his wife meeting Nick and I and who knows what then. It's starting to bug me. A few months ago I had asked Nick to lay off the pursuit of someone additional. We have a two-year pact to be monogamous. Just recently, we have both started talking and flirting and thinking about others. This guy emailed me. So it has all been on my terms. We exchanged pictures and Nick said it's OK with him if we all meet. THAT scared me! I went on a little rant today with this guy via email. Let him know a bit more about the history and how I'm feeling about meeting up. And was totally honest that nothing happening is quite possible. He told me, as Nia has, that in the 10 years he and his wife have explored others, it has deepened their own relationship. OK, so that's two case studies…still doesn't mean I believe it.

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In 62 days we are going to start trying. Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you think it's kind of funny how a woman will say, "Oh, we're trying" and you know she is talking about pregnancy? Maybe we are trying to rock climb or scale walls with artificial webbed feet. Maybe I'm just nervous about that too. I was recently back east and met my best friend's little boy. Who I believe is now 6 months old, or maybe that is next week. Anyway, I got this overwhelming sense of responsibility.

Like maybe we should wait until the end of the year before we start trying. Give us some more time to be single (and not pregnant).

I just feel like I'm changing so fast that I often don't know if I can keep up with myself.

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sigh….

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