April 16, 2001 - 8:40 pm

I have mentioned that I am seeing an acupunturist, Red. My last session Red did a particular treatment on me that opened up alot of pain and hurt. In a good way (?!?! yes really) because it got me to open up and share with Nick.

I had told her that I was rather shut down the last week. Not really communicating. I told her that Nick is very incredibly perceptive of my moods and changes and can read me better than I know myself. It's his observations of me that spark some great dialogue that leads us to being even more connected.

Anyway, we did this thing to open up my heart. Red put a needle in my heart, then she held my shoulder for a few minutes, asked if I was OK. I said yes, I had adjusted to the pain, the "normal" pressure of an acupuncture needle. She asked if I was aware that when she put the needle in my whole body started twitching. I wasn't. She asked if I wanted to go on. I said yes.

She put in two more needles in my chest. One in each wrist, the left wrist signifying the gate that protects from strangers, the right wrist signigying the gate that protects from those close to me. She added a few more for other ailments we have been working on, then she left so I could Be.

I heard the door close and I started crying. My chest felt so small and it was hard to breath. I was contemplating if it was just the emotion (that I am always shut down from) or if I was in trouble and needed to call out to her. Time passed and she came to check on me. Seeing I was OK, she left again. This is normal, she always checks half way through a session.

She came back in and removed my needles. She asked how it was, what I visualized and if I felt connected to any messages. I relayed the breathing trouble, she asked why I think I felt that way. "Because I'm not allowed to take up too much space." Why she asked... I need to be out of sight..."Children should be seen and not heard." Then I started sobbing.

Red stayed with me for a while longer until I calmed down some. She asked if she could leave to check on another patient. That I could stay as long as I needed, whatever I needed to do to get centered again.

By the time she came back I was sitting in the chair holding my heart. I could still feel the needle and the pressure inside. And if I didn't hold onto myself, I felt like I could be torn apart, never to be myself again. She told me I had to share these revelations with Nick. That by allowing him in to see this hurt child inside, he could help me and we could be even closer and understand my traumas.

I got dressed. Went out to pay. Red asked if I remembered what I had to tell Nick and if I needed her to write them down. I stared blankly at her for about 3 minutes (which seemed like 30) and wrote quick notes to myself that she saw, and smiled that calm warming smile she has.

I started to go home, crying on the ride. Hoping that Nick would be there when I arrived. I wasn't expecting he would be since he had a settlement meeting with his ex. I walked into the house to hear Neil Diamond blaring, finding Nick in the living room on the couch rockin' out. I gave him a kiss and said I would be back.

Returned in my comfy jammies, turned off the music and told Nick about my acupuncture session. He cried, I cried. I felt so out there and exposed and vulnerable.

And all Nick had for me was love.

I am so loved by this man. I never in all my life knew this kind of "thing" could exist. I have found my soulmate. I'm one of the lucky ones.

and yet, the pain and hurt and crap to wade through is still there!

Now I have a partner to share with.

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