Meltdown

March 20, 2001 -

So you all know Nick has asked me to move in with him. Iíve decided not to wait the six months and move now. Well, by the end of April. Thatís the great news! I am a bit scared and nervous. Iíve never done this before. It feels right; I know Iím going to spend the rest of my life with him. We have been very realistic with each other in terms of...there will be problems, we will probably be in counseling at some point, it will be an adjustment...etc. etc. And Nick keeps reassuring me that I can wait the six months if I need to. I think the freak outs Iíve been having now, will be there regardless of when I move in with him.

Then I had to tell my parents. Iíve been putting off telling them Iím dating someone, let alone moving in with him! Sure I could sit here and psycho-analyze why I turn into a shameful 12 year old whenever I need to talk to my parents, but I only have so much time and space here.... But I digress.

Talked to Mom on Sunday afternoon. Nick was right at my side holding me. I told her, and she didnít freak. She told me she was happy for me. She asked about him, I gave the skinny. She was OK with it. I think, maybe, she even began to cry.

(side note) I just need to say that I didnít exactly tell my Mom what Nick does for his company. He asked why I downplayed it. I think it really upset him. I want her to know him for who he is and not what he does. Although what he does is a part of who he is. Iím sorry Nick, I really didnít mean anything by it.

Once I was off the phone with Mom I went into a real quiet, sad thing. Nick kept probing and asking if I was OK. I knew I was sad, I just didnít know why. It began to hit as we were leaving to go back to my place. In the laundry room with coats on and keys in hand, I lost it. Meltdown.

The reality of moving in with him hit me. I got so incredibly scared. So frightened that he was going to leave me. That feeling of abandonment Iíve dealt with all my life and still struggle with. I told Nick how I didnít really believe that I was worthy of such utter love and devotion. I told Nick it scared me to paralysis because I never knew that kind of love before. (note: I have from my girlfriends, but thatís different).

I just sobbed. Nick just held me and listened and asked a few questions. Reminded me again that I donít have to move in until Iím ready. We talked out our fears. We talked until each of us felt comfortable and renewed in our commitment.

I still feel some after-effects of that night. Yesterday I was really really sad. I had a burning desire to be alone, and an equally burning desire to be held. I ended up getting some of both after work.

I feel better today. There is still some lingering fear and distance. Deeper inside I know the fear will subside. Deeper inside I remind myself of the good times and (other) difficult conversations we have had. Deeper inside, and floating on the surface, I know Nick loves me. I know I love him. I know we are soulmates.

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