Alcohol & Babies

March 9, 2001 -

I have spent the last two evenings with Nick. On Wednesday, he was a little buzzed. I like how flirty and social and gushing he is when he�s a bit drunk. He emotes so much. I feel touched to hear the things he says. Don�t get me wrong...he emotes almost as much when he�s sober so it�s not like what I�m hearing is new. He just repeats and repeats and uses big, creative words to say the same thing again.

Sigh....I am SO fallen for this guy!

Last night I was the one a bit drunk. Dinner with 3 of his friends, and respective babies. The one little girl, Pattie, was SUCH a cutie! Very well behaved and playful. And whenever someone did something exciting she clapped. It was just SO cute. She really liked my nose ring too. Of course, the bright sparkly thing on my face would draw a child�s attention. And yes, jewelry is still in one piece and so is my nose. But I digress, I was tipsy. I let on that I have thought of living with Nick, which he found as a bit of a surprise.

And we talked about babies. It�s really the only red flag that we�ve found to date. Nick really wants kids. I�m on the fence. I have a lot of fear of �becoming my mother� syndrome, or fucking up a child as bad - if not worse - than I feel I was. And losing independence. And I think a lot of that comes from watching my mom and dad. I don�t really remember if mom ever had time to herself or to be with her friends. I don�t really remember mom having many friends. And here I am with a bounty of incredible goddesses/divas/queens/pixies around me...and I never want to lose them. And I won�t :-) I trust that. I also truly believe Nick will be very involved in a child�s life. I also can imagine the two of us fighting for time with the child.

Nick told me not to worry about this now, that I don�t have to make a decision now, that when the time comes we will deal with it then. But it�s just SO in the forefront of my mind this week. Maybe it�s the whole menstrual thing. Or maybe since I�ve told him I love him, it�s cleared my brain for the next relationship debate it will have with itself for a while. Who knows! Today I know I�m leaning more towards the �Yes� side of the Child Fence than the �No� side. And honestly, have felt that way for a while now...not just because I met Pattie who ate Cheerios out of my hand and chomped on bread from my fingers.

last - next