March 1, 2001 -
Home from my last (?) appointment with my therapist and my mind is all a buzz. Ignoring the need to pee, and eat, and return phone calls, and open mail...I want to get it all down while itís still fresh.
I began seeing S two years ago. I went through a soul-searching self-reflection class that rocked my world. A catalyst. I realized I needed to do something different with therapy. At the time, I was seeing a woman I knew how to manipulate. I thought I was the shit, I could rework conversations to avoid dealing with my issues. Can you say, FUCKING DUH!! HOW much money was I wasting on that? I might as well have flushed it down the toilet with the food I was throwing up.
Anyway, I changed. I started working with S who is big on behavior therapy. Asking stuff about how I was feeling when I overate and purged, what had happened that day, what my triggers were. Christ! Leave me alone, I often felt like shouting! To those of you that donít know, and eating disordered person doesnít give a shit about feelings. We are either fine or pissed. And no! Thereís nothing underneath that thank you very much! Then I began to see what she was talking about. Two years later and I use words like, Direct, I am Hurt, actually talking to (or attempting) my Mother.
And now itís done. I didnít want to let go. Itís a nice safety net, having S in my brain and making observations on my dealings with people. Iím stronger now. Iíve thrown up twice since September. Once after my grandmother died, once after something Nick said (which he knows about and I donít really want to go into here). Twice in 6 months. Rock on!!! There was a time in my life, college, that I was throwing up anywhere from 2-5 times a day. Every day. I really donít think non-ED people can understand that no matter how much you explain it in different ways.
That part of my life is over. I do not have an eating disorder. I am not my eating disorder. I am Violet Leigh, my own individual Goddess self. No more.
And part of the talk today was about missing E. I just have to say it again. Remark on how much I miss her. How important my girlfriends are to me. Iíve cried every day since Vegas thinking about E and wishing she were back in Seattle.
Phew, I think thatís it. I know there were other things I was contemplating in the car. But itís gone now. I can always right more later if the spirit moves me. I think I need to go pee and start dinner. Itís been a long 2 hours and I need to rejuvenate.
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